I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
