I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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