First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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