Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
