Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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