I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
