last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
