Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
