mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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