I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
