Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
