i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
