idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
