Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
