I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
