also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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