I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize