This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
