I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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