So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
