You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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