The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found puke in my bra..
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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