Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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