genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
