Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
