WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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