I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
