The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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