I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
