You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
