I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
