Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize