He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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