Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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