paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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