Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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