Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize