I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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