Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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