So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
