I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize