My sheets look like a crime scene.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
