I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
