Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
