what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
if only i could text you this smell
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
