I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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