I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
