Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
