I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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