God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
