Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
cat food counts as protein by the way
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
