garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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