is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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