when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They took my balls.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
