I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
