You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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