I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
