i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
