If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
