I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
