someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
